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Saturday, October 08, 2011
Decided to stop writing in this blog since everything I write nowadays ends up in the new one anyway.
Here's the link!
http://wanderingopheliac.blogdrive.com/
See you soon~
Posted at 04:29 pm by miya-miya
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Friday, August 05, 2011
I'm living in a cage, like a bird, dreaming of flying free
I'm sick of my mum. I really am. She just can't see that I've changed. She thinks I am exactly the same, mind wise, as I was the last time she actually knew me which was probably when I started primary school. She doesn't know me anymore, she doesn't understand me at all. She just constantly insults me and reminds me of all my flaws. Living with her is like having salt poured into my stab wound every day. She accuses me of things and constantly tells me every day not to do this and not to do that. Bar drugs, I've done them all but that might change soon. I guess I just tried to rebel because I feel as though I'm suffocating. I'm reaching to the surface trying to break free and everytime I try, she's there pushing my head down again. She keeps telling me to become more independant but how am I supposed to do that when she won't let me do anything or go anywhere myself? This is why I lie so much to her and never tell her where I'm really going.
In case you're wondering, I'm 19 so really my mum shouldn't be able to tell me where I can and can't go but she does and most of the time I listen or lie to avoid WW3. I couldn't take it anymore today and she told me to respect her. I asked her, "how can I respect someone who doesn't respect me?" I got an earful for that. She told me that all children (yes, she called me a child) should listen to their parents. I then asked her whether abused children should still respect their parents even when they're close to being murdered by their parents each and every day. She told me not to compare to other people and asked me if I'm in the same position. Physically I'm fine but mentally, I'm a mess. If you could see my mind, it would be broken, and covered in scars. Later on she even said that everything belongs to her. She said that I belong to her and that I'm not my own person, I'm hers. Basically, I'm nothing to her. Just a belonging. I'm not even human, I'm just an object that she happens to possess.
My dad sometimes tries to stand up for me but she just yells at him as well. He just wants everything to be peaceful I guess so he doesn't completely stand up for me. Once, I went 24hours without eating because I had an argument with her. She wouldn't let me eat unless I apologised or something. Can't remember. Anyway, I just stayed in my room and starved.
Don't get me wrong, I mean, I love my mum deep down because she's my mum but that's the only reason. If we weren't related, I wouldn't even be friends with her. She's so ignorant and when I try to teach her about being open minded, she just doesn't listen. She just continues to bitch about things and people she doesn't know. She doesn't try to see things from their point of view.
She doesn't respect my privicy (since she sees me as her property). She just thinks that I should be her bitch. I 19 already!!! I've survived 2 years living on my own already!!!! I can look after myself!!! She's blackmailing me into being nice to her because I need her documents and things to apply for a HK ID card. She can't really use giving birth to me and stuff as an excuse though because I didn't ask for it and she won't let me move away completely. She keeps talking about following me wherever I go and living with me. She also just constantly tells me I'm fat, and stupid, and ugly and that I look like a prostitute and accuses me of doing this and that and says this and that is going to happen to me.
Some of the bad things I do I wouldn't normally do but she keeps telling me not to so I get angry and do them, I guess in a way to get back at her. I think the worst period of time was when I was 15/16. That's when my depression started and I guess my mum added to that quite a lot. I would have a shit day at school being used and bitched at and so on and then I would get home already in shreds and my mum would just be there to finish me off. I would just argue with her, go to my room and cry my eyes out, sometimes cutting myself. It just started out as me pinching myself, then scratches then cuts. They just got deeper and deeper. At that moment in time, I couldn't talk to anyone about anything. I also knew that no one gave a shit about me and no one would miss me if I died. I would have killed myself back then (I had nothing to live for) but I didn't want it to fail and I didn't want to go through the pain. If I knew a painless way +/ access to drugs, I would have done it. Chiyo helped me so so much though. I had someone to talk to, someone who would miss me if I died and things to live for. I wouldn't kill myself now because i know how much that would affect chiyo and I would never hurt her in any way.
I sent Franky a text today but she never replied. My bad I guess. I was meant to text her about 2 months ago but stuff happened. Shame though really.
Why can't I stop cutting myself? I don't want to be doing this! I know I shouldn't! People make it sound so easy. You know, they tell you to just stop. Well you can't 'just stop'. It stops the crying. Just cutting, seeing the would appear, seeing the blood slowly seep up. It distracts me enough that I stop thinking about everything. The pain later on, the ache distracts me as well. It's just a good distraction from everything. Other things don't work. Music doesn't help, I jsut keep thinking about everything. I can't sleep because all these things keep going through my mind and I just start crying into the pillows again. Maybe I should look into alcohol and drugs...
I guess life is balanced like everything else in the world. Ying and yang. The good and the bad. We've just got to survive the bad to be able to get to the good. Maybe one day I'll be completely happy and the depression that's stayed lodged in my heart and the back of my mind will leave me forever.
See you soon~
Posted at 10:03 pm by miya-miya
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Wednesday, August 03, 2011
All the crazy shit I did tonight, those will be the best memories
Neko and me were being honest and open with each other. We started drinking and played truth or dare..kinda. We just asked each other embarassing questions. He told me though that he thought that we could never be together now. He said that even if we did go out, it wouldn't last. I was crushed on the inside but I didn't show it on the outside. We also talked about how good it would be if we had someone to kiss that was completely honest so that they could tell you how you did and how to improve. Again he talked about hooking up with girls at clubs and stuff.
Later, we went to a club and were drinking more. The place was pretty dead. There was one moment where we could've kissed so neko said that that would have been the perfect time to initiate it. He suggested role playing later. He seemed embarassed when he said that. Aw, bless. I told him I liked biting and being bitten. There was another tense moment and we just leaned in and kissed each other. We were honest and open with each other the whole time; asking if that was alright and stuff. We bit each other a lot and it was good. He gave me a B+ though. He then gave me an A- because I was sad at the B+. I suggested that he was only ok kissing me because of the alcohol but he told me he was completely sober a few times and I believe him. I've seen him drunk before. He also told me I was really beautiful a couple of times. Twice he mentioned bad timing I think. Since we could've kissed like this ages ago if we both liked each other at the same time. Instead, he liked me and I didn't like him. I liked him but he didn't like me. He even admitted to distancing himself from me at some point when I liked him but he didn't feel the same way. We didn't end up dancing at all, just had 6 vodka cokes. The club closed and we left. He treated me like a gf, with his arms round me and everything. We got back to his place and watched a movie.
The whole time we watched it his arm was around me. He kept distracting me by stroking my back and hands. He comented on how small my hands are. He seriously didn't realise for 2 years! We slept in the same bed at first but then he moved because it was too hot and apparently I'm too hot.
In the morning, everything was kinda different. I mean, he lay on me to wake me up but he's done that before. He mentioned the whole biting thing and went for my neck and stuff but didn't do it seriously. He didn't kiss me again or put his arm round me or anything. Things were just back to normal. I am so incredibly confused. I mean, I guess the things he said and the way he acted suggested that he liked me but then there are other things that suggest he was only using me for....experience? Becuase he knows I would tell him if he was doing something wrong with kissing. I don't know. I really really need advice. I don't know what to think and what to do (if anything).
See you soon~
Posted at 06:34 pm by miya-miya
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Friday, July 29, 2011
Why can't you just say what you feel? You're confusing me!
One minute he tells me he's pulling all these girls and he wants a hot girl etc, next he's telling me I'm close to perfect and I'm awesome. He sometimes then throws in the fact that he used to be crazy for me but that all went away completely.
And I'm left wondering if he likes me or not and if he meant it as a friend or a hint of something more.
Told Chiyo about the whole, close to perfect thing to see if I'd misread or misinterpreted. She just told me she was speechless. Neko never talked about it again.
See you soon~
Posted at 01:51 pm by miya-miya
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Sunday, July 24, 2011
We just both say things to each other that are... not very nice but we don't mean it. We mean something else, something that is hidden under the mean comment. Neither of us say nice things to each other straight. Sometimes I feel as though we're 50% the same and 50% different. I don't think he can cope with my depression though. Every time I say something that isn't quite optimistic, that's a bit...errr, sad, he just sort of ignores it. Fair enough, I mean, I'm the psychologist not him XD
It's just pissing me off the way he's making me like him and have hope and then just doing something that causes me to lose that. Like, recently he's been texting me a lot. Texting me first. Last night though, he never texted back which obviously caused me to realise I'm not that important to him. Then this afternoon, he just texted and continued the conversation as though no time had passed at all. Then we makes plans which gives me hope again. If he bails AGAIN I know I'm going to be crushed. Even now, I asked him a question but he hasn't texted back for a long time. I'm not going to stay up and wait because he might not text back because I'm not that important to him. He's probably busy talking to some hot, clever, interesting, positive girl who isn't pessimistic and weird. Damn.
I keep telling myself I should think of other things but I can't help it when he's texting me all the time. I like him and I like texting him so I can't stop. I realised yesterday that the reason he takes care of me but doesn't have any feelings for me must be because I'm just like a sister to him. One day, in the future, I'll read all my entries for this blog again and then ask him what he was thinking at the time. That would be interesting. Seeing what both sides where thinking at the time. In films both sides would be thinking the same thing but they would never tell each other the truth and they both become sad etc. He said that when I stay at his, I have to share with his cats. I was thinking, I don't wanna share a bed with your cats, I wanna share the bed with you! I want you to be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see in the morning! Love cats though, so cute^w^
*sigh* tired, sleepy, confused. Lovely. Time to sleep and try not to think about him. Dammit.
See you soon~
Posted at 01:07 am by miya-miya
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Thursday, July 21, 2011
I guess this blog has just become a record of my love (or loveless) life and my general rants and dreams. With neko, I guess it's just continuously hot and cold. As soon as I forget about him, he texts me or something and I fall all over again. I wish I could just get over him for good but I just can't. As soon as I do, after a few months, I fall again. Even when I don't consciously like him, I still get so incredibly jealous when he's with another girl with chances of them getting together.
When he found a girl to marry when they both aren't married by 40, I just thought, lucky girl. damn. I guess I just keep hoping. Or maybe this is just a stubborn obsession. I don't even know if it would work. If he did like me, I don't know what I would do. That's just how confused I am. I think even our relationship would be hot and cold. We're similar yet different. Sometimes we get along really well yet other times we can't understand each other and don't see eye to eye. Maybe I'm just overthinking everything.
He's been so weird recently though. I think we've grown apart. He texted me asking if I was free next tuesday yet he never said why he asked and just talked about other things. I think he wanted me to drink with him but he never asked me outright. I was just thinking, jeez, we've been close friends for two years, just freakin spit it out! For some reason, when we're living with each other, we hardly ever talk yet when we're apart, we text and msn each other way more. Last week, we texted for like, 8 hours or something. Things between us are just so unstable. It keeps changing, the way we interact with each other, the amount of time we spend together. Everything. If there's any sign that he might like someone or me then I just don't want to believe it because I know I'm probably just imagining things and, as usual, he doesn't like me. I didn't really know what I wanted to write when I started this entry so I'm just writing whatever comes to my mind.
To sum it up, I love and hate him and he only likes me as a friend and there's a chance he might not like me. I said a couple of months ago that if four of us had to split up into two to get a flat, I said I wouldn't want to live with neko since it'd be torture for me. My other male flatmate told me that neko said the same thing, that he didn't want to live with me. You know, he also still has photos of his ex all over his wall and on fb in his profile pictures. Even when I don't like him, just looking at his lips when he speaks and then DAMN, why am I so attracted to him. *sigh sigh sigh* Gonna concentrate on my uni work and hobbies
See you soon~
Posted at 06:49 pm by miya-miya
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Saturday, June 18, 2011
So neko tells me he could visit me on the pretext of getting internet money off of me. He is actually offering to visit me? So weird since back when I liked him I asked him so many times to visit and he just...didn't. Just..it's weird since there are other ways of getting money off of me than actually coming to the city where I live to see me. Urrgghhh, I hate this. I wonder if other people get confused about friendships. In the past I thought there was nothing going on in a friendship but I was wrong so I worry about the opposite; thinking that there is something going on when there isn't. When will I be able to break out of this circle of either loving or hating the guy?
Anyway, I know it would never work out anyway no matter what the feelings.
See you soon~
Posted at 11:39 am by miya-miya
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Saturday, June 04, 2011
I take back everything I said about neko. Can't believe I stood up for him! Just went to J's fb page and neko told him that he was still in spain for four days, meh meh meh THEN he told J to make me do everything!! Fuck them, fuck them all!!! I have to study for my theory which I haven't been able to do much of and I HAVE to pass!!!! Maybe after my exam I MIGHT try and sort this shit out but until then, fuck no! I don't care if they think I'm a bitch and they hate me. I don't care because they don't care about me. I'm not going to stand up for neko anymore. Why didn't he suggest chibi does it? We're both not in dundee; why me? Why do they both ALWAYS have to pick on me? Why do they never talk to me properly and try to understand me? I'm also starting to feel lonely again. Just want someone here to hold me and tell me everything's going to be ok. Someone to protect me and always be on my side. Like ghost hunt's bou-san. Someone that'll make me smile and I mean genuinely smile.
See you soon~
Posted at 07:29 am by miya-miya
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Friday, June 03, 2011
People say that if you work hard, it will pay off. This is bullshit! I worked so much harder at uni this year, SO much compared to last year yet I got crap grades. I was averaging a B last year and this year, Cs. I also worked so hard filling in an application form to do a course in China and was rejected. I didn't even make it to the reserve. It just feels as though I'm failing in every aspect of life. My studies, my relationships, my hobbies...
I haven't managed to do the things I want to; learn the things I want to. I haven't had time to do anything because of uni so I have no talent. My friends suck as well. Lee has changed a lot and has become way more confident (I guess that's good) but also more arrogant as well.
Chibi agreed to let one of our friends live in the new place but she didn't sort ANYTHING out. She just up and left for HK. My other flatmate promised he would sort out the gas and electricity before he left but all he did was read the meter and tell me and neko to sort it out because of his "clustered schedule" and "early departure to London". Fuck him, why can't he do it in London? If I'm supposed to be able to do it from Stirling then he should be able to do it from there. I also hate how selfish he is, how he just assumes that I've got all this fucking free time. I DON'T! I've got a driving theory exam next week and I have to learn how to drive and I'm doing badly at uni so I have to start studying for 3rd year as well. Plus, on top of all of that, I've got loads and loads of things I want to learn and do over the summer. I literally have NO free time whatsoever. I guess he thinks that his stuff is more important than mine. He keeps thinking that everything I do is lower priority than the new house. Both of them have absolutely no responsibility at all. They expect me to deal with all this shit when it should be them. Ok, if it was before we were all moving in then fine but I'm not back in Dundee till SEPTEMBER!! I'm in the exact position as them! They're just picking on me because I'm in the UK and they're abroad. Also because they think that I don't do anything and I'm selfish. They IGNORED the fact that I searched for and found loads of places but they just weren't happy with any of them. They just acknowledge the fact that Chibi was the one who found the place we're going to live in and sort it out.
I can't believe they're picking on neko as well since he'll be back in Dundee. I mean, he has resits at the end of June, he has to study for them. They didn't think about this at all!!! Both of them don't have exams yet they're using distance as an excuse not to sort this out. Just because both of us are soft and don't say no to anything. I wouldn't mind sorting it out as much if my name didn't have to be on the bills. That would mean that I would have to pay for everything if they decided to up and bugger off to another country. Why are they the ones who are always called responsible and organised??? They AREN'T! God, I don't know what to do. I don't want to be mean or harsh and I don't want to seem like a bitch. I don't know if I can take another year of them saying that I did nothing and I'm selfish etc.
I don't know if I can take much more of this. My parents are putting so much pressure and restrictions on me as well. I think everyone is. My mum wants me to pass all my driving exams this summer and tidy my room and she doesn't want me to do anything else. She keeps nagging me, accusing me of things and telling me off for everything I'm already cutting myself over. My 'friends' are just pissing off and leaving everything to me. At first, J was like, "I'll do it for you Chibi" and then I got a text where he's asking the first person to live there to sort it out. Knowing that I wouldn't be back until september, he sent another text addressed to neko and me telling us to sort it out. Fuck him, we both have exams. He should do it. I don't understand chibi, she was the one to tell our friend that he could live there yet she sorted NOTHING out. She didn't sort out the keys/the gas and electricity or anything. It's HER responsibility to do those things. She just assumed that one of us would give him the keys and she's just making us sort those other things out on the pretense that she doesn't know how. I don't get why the guys don't pick on her and just pick on me. Neither of us knows how to set up the gas and electricity yet why is chibi being let off the hook and I have to do it??? I also, once again, got one of the smaller rooms in the house. I don't even have a double bed this time. It's a single. I wonder if I should look for a 1 bedroom flat next year. Only thing I'm worried about is the price or if I get sick or something then there's no one around. Maybe I could live with (can't remember his nickname >.<) oxfam M but then with 2 people, it would definately be more expensive.
I thought that it wasn't possible for me to be depressed during the summer. I thought that it only happened during the winter when it's cold and cloudy. It was roasting hot today and it's still sunny outside yet I've never felt any worse. I don't know what to do. I can't believe I'm 19 already. I still feel 16. I'm mentally not old enough to deal with all this crap. I already had to sort out all of my bank things. My patience has run out. I'm sick of being the bitch just because I stand up for myself. When I do things for people I just get used. Mex asked J to sell her books for her when she left. Somehow, I got stuck with selling them but I had stuff going on in my life and J was complaining about me and telling me to get it done. I wanted to shout at him "YOU FUCKING DO IT THEN!!!". Mex got sick of waiting for us to sell them so she asked us to send them to her. I was just supposed to pass them onto Chibi before my lecture but she dragged me along and got me to pay for postage as well. They were FUCKING THICK textbooks and she was sending them by airmail. I had to pay for half of that!! Plus, she made me miss my lecture and it was an important one. I didn't say anything at the time because I felt responsible in a way but inside, I was cursing her like nobodies business.
I'm just sick of constantly being used and walked over. I never ask anyone for anything yet I do so much for other people and it goes unacknowledged. They then bitch about me, judge me and criticise me. I got used by my first 3 friends in high school, then that bitch and now by these people that I actually kind of care about. Right now, I'm not hating neko. With neko I usually either love or hate him. With the other two....I guess I either like them or hate them. There were some points where I thought I might love them but I guess I just can't. I think they feel the same way. I mean, I'm just...soft. They can do what they want and I would never complain or get mad. I guess that's the only reason why they like having me around. Someone to share the house with to lower the price, someone to help sort things out and pay the bills. Someone to hang out with or go to coffee with when they have no one else. In chibi's case, a girl to do girly things with. As I said before, I don't think they really care about me. I didn't think neko did but sometimes, when I'm feeling...extremely depressed (it's only when I'm extremely extremely depressed that you can even tell my mood is different) and it's to do with neko, he gives me a look. It's like, he can tell I'm sad and that it's his fault and he's sorry but he knows he has no feelings for me. My theory is, he cares but he doesn't understand. He doesn't fully understand me. He doesn't understand depression. He just doesn't understand and that's the problem. It would be nice if he could read my blog because I'm sure he'll understand me better but then...there are some things I don't want him to know and he might hate me after reading it. I want to try and stop saying uneccessary things and smiling. I only started smiling all the time because I was sick of the bitch telling me to smile and everyone asking me what was wrong. I'm going to practice not smiling and saying things that aren't necessary. Yosha!
Think I'm going to leave it there for now.
See you soon~
Posted at 12:15 pm by miya-miya
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Wednesday, May 18, 2011
It's about neko again. I'm going to Switzerland early tomorrow so I'm just going to make this quick.
I will never fully get over him. Ever. I will always love him at times but then hate him at others. He bullies me but he's the one who takes care of me the most. With the bullying part, I guess I know he doesn't mean it and he doesn't think some of it hurt me because I don't let it show. He teases me with the truth and things I am sensitive about and it really hurts. Those are the times when I hate him. Also hate him when he's wasting his life. He always does these little things to look after me. He understands girls and me quite well so it helps. Once at a dinner, I was too 'shy' to grab some food from the middle of the table. I didn't let it show but then neko asked me if I wanted some and got it for me. In awkward situations where I'm embarassed (dinners) he usually helps me. I am so thankful for it and I really want to tell him but I can't find the right time. There are loads of tiny little things he does that just makes it hard for me to get over him.
Recently though, we haven't had much to talk about. We talk about random crap then have loads of silences when our other guy flatmate isn't there. Last night though, I told him and it seemed better today *shrugs*. I feel so guilty though. I say some really harsh things to him and treat him like he doesn't know anything and I know more than him. True, it's a defense for his bullying but he at least does all these little things for me but I don't do anything for him. I think he does know me well but not well enough. He falls for the facade. He believes that when I smile, I'm happy. He hasn't noticed the cuts (at one point he said that he doesn't notice things about his flatmates [me included] anymore because we see each other everyday so we could all look like crap and we wouldn't pay much attention). We had an argument about depression and he thinks it's all a state of mind and you can get better on your own by thinking positively etc. Clearly he has never had REAL depression. With true depression, it never really goes away. It's just always there at the back of your mind. Just one little thing can set it off. After that argument, I did actually feel more depressed. I felt like my friends didn't understand me, that they were telling me it was my fault I was depressed (they don't know I'm depressed most of the time) and reminded me that they hadn't noticed my deoression even when this topic came up and I argued about it. i hardly argue about anything. Just felt like they didn't give a shit man. bet if they found out I was depressed they would say that I'm so stupid and that I should just think positively, that there is nothing sad in my life because no one I know has died or anthing and that I should just cheer up.
Last night... I love clubbing with neko because he's always so intimate, caring, protective and sweet. At the beginning of the night, we talked a lot and because it's loud at the union, we had to talk right against each other's ears. A lot of the time, I could feel him against my neck. Was so good. Our other friends went to get drinks and we flopped onto the sofa. Of course I sat close to him even though it was quite wide. I mentaioned that it was so comfortable, I just wanted to sleep. He teased me by trying to push me down and I fought back and it ended in playful tickling. We haven't done that in so long. Way back when our relationship was good, before he started bullying me, we used to tickle each other all the time and it would always end in him behind me with his arms around me. Last night was like that...kinda (since it was on the sofa). We held hands a lot because...that's just what we do in clubs so we don't lose each other but even when we didn't need to hold hands anymore, he didn't try to let go.
There was one point where I saved him. We were up on a balcony bit and neko saw a 'friend' below and the friend saw him. After the guy left, neko was telling me how much he didn't like the guy. The guy came up and neko had to talk to him. I was thinking of grabbing neko's hand, sqeezing it and telling him to be strong. I grabbed his hand and the guy left. Neko told me the guy saw me grab his hand, got the hint and left. Neko was so cute. He was like, omg, thank you! You saved me! I owe you!!! Felt so good XD halfway or near the end of the night though, there was a chinese girl who was introduced to us. I teased neko and asked him if she was a target. He said no, he didn't like her. She OBVIOUSLY liked him. I think she was slightly drunk though and wearing high stiletto heels. At one point she fell and neko helped her up. She clung to him and because neko is so kind, fluffy etc he looked after her and tried to get to know her during the night. My other guy flatmate kept on trying to get him to hook up with her for the night and asked him why he didn't when we all got back to the flat (neko walked her home and they switched numbers). I don't know why but I felt so incredibly jealous. I mean, I'm over neko, he's free to do what he wants, I knew he didn't like her.....but......I still felt hatred for this girl. She ignored me quite a lot and when dancing, sorta pushed me out of the way and away from neko. The best thing is though, neko wasn't drunk at all, he wasn't even tipsy so he was completely aware of his behaviour with me and he knew what he was doing. I'm so confused...and still full of too much hope.
Neko hasn't actually hugged me for months and months. I think the last time, I was the one who asked him for one. Last night before we went to bed, he actually threw his arms out and offered a hug first. It was so weird but good. Did he noticed I seemed to be bothered by this girl? I tried to hide it. I tried to seem like I didn't care. I teased him along with my other flatmate. It wasn't a proper hug though. He either leans on me or leaves a big gap between us shoulders down; sometimes both. This morning, he just woke up and thought I was leaving/ that he would sleep again and wake up too late so he offered to give me a hug whilst me was still in bed. He just sat in bed still tired and made me come over to hug. It wasn't a proper hug again because of the weird angles. Dunno what's with him. This is the kind of thing that annoys me. He does all these things that make my heart race and I feel as though there's a chance he might like me but then I know deep down that it's just because we're so close and comfortable with each other that we can do all this stuff and it won't mean a thing. Everything feels natural, comfortable and as easy as breathing with him. Holding his hand just feels...right. I held another guy friend's hand that night and...I felt it. With neko, I know that I'm holding his hand and I can feel it but....I don't notice it? if that makes sense. It's like, I can feel my arm and I know it's there but I'm not continuously aware of it. sorta like that. It just feels...right when he hugs me, inside my personal space, looks me in the eye in my personal space for ages. Everything just feels natual and comforable.
For example, last night my friend (chibi) helped me dye my hair red. She shouted at neko to come over with wet tissues then told him to wipe the dye off my ears and neck etc. Even when he was wiping the dye off of me it still felt right. He was so tender and gentle. I can see that he's going to be a good doctor. I guess right now I love him because he's being nice and close to me again instead of keeping this big space between us and just bullying me relentlessly. Ugggghhhh, too tired, can't think right now. Guess I'll continue this another time. Point is, I love and hate him. I can see that it might not be a good idea to go out with him (if he'll ever want me), but I can also see that it might be amazing. Hot and cold with him (think I might have mentioned that as well to him last night).
See you soon~
Posted at 04:30 pm by miya-miya
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